THE BLOGGER: Scene 3

Enter AINUTEP holding the body of LEDGER HAIR. INFLAMED CLITORIS and COCKROACH follow shortly behind. We are in AINUTEP'S dark cellar.

AINUTEP: Right, we must do this quickly.

All the other cockroaches gather around.

COCKROACHES: What has happened?

COCKROACH: Ledger Hair has died!

COCKROACHES: Oh my! How did it happen?

AINUTEP: Who knows? She was rambling incoherently: as if controlled by complete retards - and then she keeled over after, once again, getting her own name wrong.

COCKROACH: Her lack of alliteration has always pained her.

COCKROACHES: And is that an Inflamed Clitoris over there?

COCKROACH: Yes. She's brought another one home.

All cockroaches sigh.

AINUTEP: SILENCE Whelps! We have only one chance to bring Ledger Hair back from the dead. A strapping young man must enter her and give her his life giving seed!

COCKROACHES: But no men will acknowledge us your wonderfulness - they only shun us or bully us!

AINUTEP: I know, but the time for constant and incessant whining is over!

The cockroaches look sceptical

AINUTEP: Because with this inflamed clitoris I will finally become a man! (aside)
And then finally I can be taken seriously as a writer!

With this, AINUTEP attaches INFLAMED CLITORIS to her belt and proceeds to enter the body of LEDGER HAIR.

COCKROACHES: But our Queen - You can't suddenly - Just suddenly strap on a clitoris - an expect - expect to become a man!

AINUTEP: Silence! I'm nearly there! A few more thrusts!

COCKROACH jumps on to AINUTEP ear and proceeds to stroke it

AINUTEP: AHHHHH! There. I did it!

AINUTEP pulls away from the body of LEDGER HAIR, exhausted. INFLAMED CLITORIS climbs off AINUTEP and begins to crawl off stage!

INFLAMED CLITORIS: Why? WHY?! I feel so dirty - so unclean - uh, i smell terrible. I need a shower - A SHOWER. WHY????

INFLAMED CLITORIS exits, crying. AINUTEP comes back to her senses

AINUTEP: No! Come back, COME BACK! You are my penis - you make me whole! You give me worth!

AINUTEP begins to run after INFLAMED CLITORIS but stops:

COCKROACHES: MY QUEEN! Look! It stirs!

AINUTEP: I told you I could do it! She's back to life! She's -

THE MONSTER FORMERLY KNOWN AS LEDGER HAIR:
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR!
GGRRAAAAAARRRRAAAARRRRR!!!!!

T.M.F.K.A.L.H'S hair grows at an incredible speed. The hair covers her body in a suit of golden armour and continues to grow, smashing the windows in the cellar - continuing to expand through the world.

AINUTEP: What have i done? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

COCKROACH: You can't resurrect as you were not a man - You are not a man!

COCKROACHES: You have created a monster your worship. All is lost - ALL IS LOST!

GHOST OF ARCADIA suddenly appears

GHOST OF ARCADIA: Hear me Hear me! I am the great wright of Pretentious!

AINUTEP: But you're not dead!

GHOST OF ARCADIA: I just last night met an untimely end - apparently to recompense and avenge the loss of a far better wright than myself!

AINUTEP: Oh NO! More of my hateful crimes are bearing consequences!

GHOST OF ARCADIA: There is no time to dwell on't! If you are to save the world from the monster with ENDLESS GOLDEN LOCKS, as is foretold, you must become a master blogwright, and blog like you have never blogged before!

GHOST OF ARCADIA suddenly disappears

AINUTEP: But I can't! I can't write - I have tried but i am not a man!

COCKROACHES: We believe in you are splendiferous Queen!

COCKROACH: Only you can save us from the monster of CASCADING BLONDE TENTACLES!

AINUTEP: Oh, my poor friend Ledger Hair? What have i done?

COCKROACH: You can still save her - and the world!

COCKROACHES: We believe in you!

AINUTEP: Okay, i will try. I will try and blog the best written bl-

COCKROACH WITH GUITAR ON BACK saunters past

COCKROACH WITH GUITAR ON BACK: To be, or not to be, that is the question...

AINUTEP: Oh my! I will try and save the world (even though i am penisless), but first....

AINUTEP quickly whips off her knickers and chases after COCKROACH WITH GUITAR ON BACK

The Blogger: Scene Two

Blockbuster video, New Cross.

Enter AN INFLAMED CLITORIS.

IC: Hello, my good man do you have the new John Hughes flick?

Clerk: No.

PINTER PAUSE.

Enter AINUTEP. On her back is COCKROACH. Out of sadness and despair, COCKROACH humps AINUTEP's dirty ear.

AINUTEP: I acknowledge you, Inflamed Clitoris.

IC: How dare you, I am a penis...or, I wish to be!

AINUTEP: Maybe I can help you with that? Tell me, are you just an Inflamed Clitoris walking around New Cross?

IC: Why yes, yes I am.

COCKROACH: What are you doing, your majesty?

AINUTEP: Silence, slave! Tell me, could I wear you, Inflamed Clitoris?

IC: I think not!

Enter LEDGER HAIR.

LH: Excuse me, do you have the Dark Knight?

Clerk: Name?

LH: Heath Hair.

Clerk: Ah, no. Nothing by that name.

LH: ***** ***** **** **!

Clerk: Wait, aren't you...dead?

LH: ***** **** *** ****** *! Asshole.

Clerk: You can die from those?

LH: Yes.

She dies. AINUTEP weeps and COCKROACH drinks her tears.

COCKROACH: Mmm...needs brown sugar.

IC: I can help you.

It humps the carcass of LEDGER HAIR. They both cum puss in unison. COCKROACH drinks the puss.

COCKROACH: Needs more white sugar.

AINUTEP: That's disgusting. A female blogwright would never spew that.

IC: If I keep going there'll be nothing left of her!

AINUTEP: Wait! Inflamed Clitoris, if you let me wear you, I will resurrect her and you may consume this white sugar and make her your servant.

IC: But I am not a penis!

AINUTEP: But you look like one.

IC: Fine, but you must bring her back bigger than ever!

AINUTEP: More Ledger than ever! If only she could have said her name was Ledger Hair, and not Heath Hair. Then none of this would have happened. (She winks.)

AINUTEP, INFLAMED CLITORIS leave with LEDGER HAIR in tow.

Clerk: Last call!

COCKROACH: Yeah. Give me 'Joe's Apartment'.

Clerk: Oh I love that movie! John Hughes is brilliant!

COCKROACH: Yeah...but 'Puss in Boots' is better.

The Blogger: Scene One

Dramatis Personae:

Ainutep, female, mid-20s, flowery and pedestrian.  Performed by Dame Edna.

Cockroaches.  Performed by Pink Floyd.

Scene One.

Sickly lights rise on a basement.  Cracks line the walls from which cockroaches crawl.  The cockroaches hump each other endlessly, and their chorus of pleasure heightens as the scene goes on, much to the dismay of lonely, sex-crazed AINUTEP.

AINUTEP is sitting at a laptop.  She raises her hands to type but gives up.

AINUTEP: Woe is me!

The chief cockroach approaches AINUTEP.

COCKROACH: Why haven't you written in your new blog, your majesty?

AINUTEP: Regdel Riah has betrayed me - she has retreated to the Ffid'!  

COCKROACH: The Ffid'?  That's disgusting.

AINUTEP: She is my only friend.

COCKROACH: And we?

AINUTEP: You won't cross your legs.

COCKROACH: But I can't help it.

AINUTEP: Oh I will lose this dastardly cyber-battle!

COCKROACH: But are you not a renowned blogger, your majesty?

AINUTEP: I was...I was...  

COCKROACH: Then you must remain so!

AINUTEP: No, no, I can't!  The Rival Bloggers are just too good!  They are witty and prolific, they are so powerful and manly and expressive with the English language!  They have made ten posts and I... I am but a cockroach.

COCKROACH: Don't be mean, your majesty.

AINUTEP: Yes, I have been through so much.

COCKROACH: No, I mean, to us.  You should not be so mean to us, your cucurachas...  Majesty.

AINUTEP: Oh you are my very best friends.

COCKROACH: Type, your majesty, type!

AINUTEP: It's too loud in here, you are all filling me with cockroach envy!

COCKROACH: Just type!

AINUTEP: Not yet, I need... I need inspiration!

She rises.

COCKROACH: Where are you going?

AINUTEP: To the Ruv'!

COCKROACH: Why?

AINUTEP: I must go read a great man's work.

COCKROACH: Who is that man?

AINUTEP: The Pinter.

COCKROACH: Ah, yes.  Did you know he wrote in Old English?

AINUTEP: Yes.  Yes.

She leaves.  The cockroaches celebrate with champagne and smelling in between each other's wide open legs.

End of scene.