THE BLOGGER: Scene 3

Enter AINUTEP holding the body of LEDGER HAIR. INFLAMED CLITORIS and COCKROACH follow shortly behind. We are in AINUTEP'S dark cellar.

AINUTEP: Right, we must do this quickly.

All the other cockroaches gather around.

COCKROACHES: What has happened?

COCKROACH: Ledger Hair has died!

COCKROACHES: Oh my! How did it happen?

AINUTEP: Who knows? She was rambling incoherently: as if controlled by complete retards - and then she keeled over after, once again, getting her own name wrong.

COCKROACH: Her lack of alliteration has always pained her.

COCKROACHES: And is that an Inflamed Clitoris over there?

COCKROACH: Yes. She's brought another one home.

All cockroaches sigh.

AINUTEP: SILENCE Whelps! We have only one chance to bring Ledger Hair back from the dead. A strapping young man must enter her and give her his life giving seed!

COCKROACHES: But no men will acknowledge us your wonderfulness - they only shun us or bully us!

AINUTEP: I know, but the time for constant and incessant whining is over!

The cockroaches look sceptical

AINUTEP: Because with this inflamed clitoris I will finally become a man! (aside)
And then finally I can be taken seriously as a writer!

With this, AINUTEP attaches INFLAMED CLITORIS to her belt and proceeds to enter the body of LEDGER HAIR.

COCKROACHES: But our Queen - You can't suddenly - Just suddenly strap on a clitoris - an expect - expect to become a man!

AINUTEP: Silence! I'm nearly there! A few more thrusts!

COCKROACH jumps on to AINUTEP ear and proceeds to stroke it

AINUTEP: AHHHHH! There. I did it!

AINUTEP pulls away from the body of LEDGER HAIR, exhausted. INFLAMED CLITORIS climbs off AINUTEP and begins to crawl off stage!

INFLAMED CLITORIS: Why? WHY?! I feel so dirty - so unclean - uh, i smell terrible. I need a shower - A SHOWER. WHY????

INFLAMED CLITORIS exits, crying. AINUTEP comes back to her senses

AINUTEP: No! Come back, COME BACK! You are my penis - you make me whole! You give me worth!

AINUTEP begins to run after INFLAMED CLITORIS but stops:

COCKROACHES: MY QUEEN! Look! It stirs!

AINUTEP: I told you I could do it! She's back to life! She's -

THE MONSTER FORMERLY KNOWN AS LEDGER HAIR:
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR!
GGRRAAAAAARRRRAAAARRRRR!!!!!

T.M.F.K.A.L.H'S hair grows at an incredible speed. The hair covers her body in a suit of golden armour and continues to grow, smashing the windows in the cellar - continuing to expand through the world.

AINUTEP: What have i done? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

COCKROACH: You can't resurrect as you were not a man - You are not a man!

COCKROACHES: You have created a monster your worship. All is lost - ALL IS LOST!

GHOST OF ARCADIA suddenly appears

GHOST OF ARCADIA: Hear me Hear me! I am the great wright of Pretentious!

AINUTEP: But you're not dead!

GHOST OF ARCADIA: I just last night met an untimely end - apparently to recompense and avenge the loss of a far better wright than myself!

AINUTEP: Oh NO! More of my hateful crimes are bearing consequences!

GHOST OF ARCADIA: There is no time to dwell on't! If you are to save the world from the monster with ENDLESS GOLDEN LOCKS, as is foretold, you must become a master blogwright, and blog like you have never blogged before!

GHOST OF ARCADIA suddenly disappears

AINUTEP: But I can't! I can't write - I have tried but i am not a man!

COCKROACHES: We believe in you are splendiferous Queen!

COCKROACH: Only you can save us from the monster of CASCADING BLONDE TENTACLES!

AINUTEP: Oh, my poor friend Ledger Hair? What have i done?

COCKROACH: You can still save her - and the world!

COCKROACHES: We believe in you!

AINUTEP: Okay, i will try. I will try and blog the best written bl-

COCKROACH WITH GUITAR ON BACK saunters past

COCKROACH WITH GUITAR ON BACK: To be, or not to be, that is the question...

AINUTEP: Oh my! I will try and save the world (even though i am penisless), but first....

AINUTEP quickly whips off her knickers and chases after COCKROACH WITH GUITAR ON BACK