Enter AINUTEP holding the body of LEDGER HAIR. INFLAMED CLITORIS and COCKROACH follow shortly behind. We are in AINUTEP'S dark cellar.
AINUTEP: Right, we must do this quickly.
All the other cockroaches gather around.
COCKROACHES: What has happened?
COCKROACH: Ledger Hair has died!
COCKROACHES: Oh my! How did it happen?
AINUTEP: Who knows? She was rambling incoherently: as if controlled by complete retards - and then she keeled over after, once again, getting her own name wrong.
COCKROACH: Her lack of alliteration has always pained her.
COCKROACHES: And is that an Inflamed Clitoris over there?
COCKROACH: Yes. She's brought another one home.
All cockroaches sigh.
AINUTEP: SILENCE Whelps! We have only one chance to bring Ledger Hair back from the dead. A strapping young man must enter her and give her his life giving seed!
COCKROACHES: But no men will acknowledge us your wonderfulness - they only shun us or bully us!
AINUTEP: I know, but the time for constant and incessant whining is over!
The cockroaches look sceptical
AINUTEP: Because with this inflamed clitoris I will finally become a man! (aside)
And then finally I can be taken seriously as a writer!
With this, AINUTEP attaches INFLAMED CLITORIS to her belt and proceeds to enter the body of LEDGER HAIR.
COCKROACHES: But our Queen - You can't suddenly - Just suddenly strap on a clitoris - an expect - expect to become a man!
AINUTEP: Silence! I'm nearly there! A few more thrusts!
COCKROACH jumps on to AINUTEP ear and proceeds to stroke it
AINUTEP: AHHHHH! There. I did it!
AINUTEP pulls away from the body of LEDGER HAIR, exhausted. INFLAMED CLITORIS climbs off AINUTEP and begins to crawl off stage!
INFLAMED CLITORIS: Why? WHY?! I feel so dirty - so unclean - uh, i smell terrible. I need a shower - A SHOWER. WHY????
INFLAMED CLITORIS exits, crying. AINUTEP comes back to her senses
AINUTEP: No! Come back, COME BACK! You are my penis - you make me whole! You give me worth!
AINUTEP begins to run after INFLAMED CLITORIS but stops:
COCKROACHES: MY QUEEN! Look! It stirs!
AINUTEP: I told you I could do it! She's back to life! She's -
THE MONSTER FORMERLY KNOWN AS LEDGER HAIR:
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR!
GGRRAAAAAARRRRAAAARRRRR!!!!!
T.M.F.K.A.L.H'S hair grows at an incredible speed. The hair covers her body in a suit of golden armour and continues to grow, smashing the windows in the cellar - continuing to expand through the world.
AINUTEP: What have i done? WHAT IS HAPPENING?
COCKROACH: You can't resurrect as you were not a man - You are not a man!
COCKROACHES: You have created a monster your worship. All is lost - ALL IS LOST!
GHOST OF ARCADIA suddenly appears
GHOST OF ARCADIA: Hear me Hear me! I am the great wright of Pretentious!
AINUTEP: But you're not dead!
GHOST OF ARCADIA: I just last night met an untimely end - apparently to recompense and avenge the loss of a far better wright than myself!
AINUTEP: Oh NO! More of my hateful crimes are bearing consequences!
GHOST OF ARCADIA: There is no time to dwell on't! If you are to save the world from the monster with ENDLESS GOLDEN LOCKS, as is foretold, you must become a master blogwright, and blog like you have never blogged before!
GHOST OF ARCADIA suddenly disappears
AINUTEP: But I can't! I can't write - I have tried but i am not a man!
COCKROACHES: We believe in you are splendiferous Queen!
COCKROACH: Only you can save us from the monster of CASCADING BLONDE TENTACLES!
AINUTEP: Oh, my poor friend Ledger Hair? What have i done?
COCKROACH: You can still save her - and the world!
COCKROACHES: We believe in you!
AINUTEP: Okay, i will try. I will try and blog the best written bl-
COCKROACH WITH GUITAR ON BACK saunters past
COCKROACH WITH GUITAR ON BACK: To be, or not to be, that is the question...
AINUTEP: Oh my! I will try and save the world (even though i am penisless), but first....
AINUTEP quickly whips off her knickers and chases after COCKROACH WITH GUITAR ON BACK
Showing posts with label Ledger Hair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ledger Hair. Show all posts
Friday, 13 March 2009
Thursday, 5 March 2009
Official Rankings
The following has been approved by the Committee for the Judgment of Most Probable Intercourse:
STYLISH CAMP
1. Hip-bo
2. Tits & Ass
3. Ledger Hair
4. Tardy Nationalist Asshole
5. Petunia
6. Style-less Tramp
7. Tony Blair
8. Generic Shithead
9. Die Tye Die
J-STAR
1. Die Tye Die
2. Tardy Nationalist Asshole
3. Tits & Ass
4. Tony Blair
5. Style-less Tramp
6. Serial Killer
7. Generic Shithead
8. Those with Breasts, and Anyone Desirous of Such
UNLISTED: Actually Has A Career, Red Lips of Deaf
STYLISH CAMP
1. Hip-bo
2. Tits & Ass
3. Ledger Hair
4. Tardy Nationalist Asshole
5. Petunia
6. Style-less Tramp
7. Tony Blair
8. Generic Shithead
9. Die Tye Die
J-STAR
1. Die Tye Die
2. Tardy Nationalist Asshole
3. Tits & Ass
4. Tony Blair
5. Style-less Tramp
6. Serial Killer
7. Generic Shithead
8. Those with Breasts, and Anyone Desirous of Such
UNLISTED: Actually Has A Career, Red Lips of Deaf
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
The Blogger: Scene Two
Blockbuster video, New Cross.
Enter AN INFLAMED CLITORIS.
IC: Hello, my good man do you have the new John Hughes flick?
Clerk: No.
PINTER PAUSE.
Enter AINUTEP. On her back is COCKROACH. Out of sadness and despair, COCKROACH humps AINUTEP's dirty ear.
AINUTEP: I acknowledge you, Inflamed Clitoris.
IC: How dare you, I am a penis...or, I wish to be!
AINUTEP: Maybe I can help you with that? Tell me, are you just an Inflamed Clitoris walking around New Cross?
IC: Why yes, yes I am.
COCKROACH: What are you doing, your majesty?
AINUTEP: Silence, slave! Tell me, could I wear you, Inflamed Clitoris?
IC: I think not!
Enter LEDGER HAIR.
LH: Excuse me, do you have the Dark Knight?
Clerk: Name?
LH: Heath Hair.
Clerk: Ah, no. Nothing by that name.
LH: ***** ***** **** **!
Clerk: Wait, aren't you...dead?
LH: ***** **** *** ****** *! Asshole.
Clerk: You can die from those?
LH: Yes.
She dies. AINUTEP weeps and COCKROACH drinks her tears.
COCKROACH: Mmm...needs brown sugar.
IC: I can help you.
It humps the carcass of LEDGER HAIR. They both cum puss in unison. COCKROACH drinks the puss.
COCKROACH: Needs more white sugar.
AINUTEP: That's disgusting. A female blogwright would never spew that.
IC: If I keep going there'll be nothing left of her!
AINUTEP: Wait! Inflamed Clitoris, if you let me wear you, I will resurrect her and you may consume this white sugar and make her your servant.
IC: But I am not a penis!
AINUTEP: But you look like one.
IC: Fine, but you must bring her back bigger than ever!
AINUTEP: More Ledger than ever! If only she could have said her name was Ledger Hair, and not Heath Hair. Then none of this would have happened. (She winks.)
AINUTEP, INFLAMED CLITORIS leave with LEDGER HAIR in tow.
Clerk: Last call!
COCKROACH: Yeah. Give me 'Joe's Apartment'.
Clerk: Oh I love that movie! John Hughes is brilliant!
COCKROACH: Yeah...but 'Puss in Boots' is better.
Enter AN INFLAMED CLITORIS.
IC: Hello, my good man do you have the new John Hughes flick?
Clerk: No.
PINTER PAUSE.
Enter AINUTEP. On her back is COCKROACH. Out of sadness and despair, COCKROACH humps AINUTEP's dirty ear.
AINUTEP: I acknowledge you, Inflamed Clitoris.
IC: How dare you, I am a penis...or, I wish to be!
AINUTEP: Maybe I can help you with that? Tell me, are you just an Inflamed Clitoris walking around New Cross?
IC: Why yes, yes I am.
COCKROACH: What are you doing, your majesty?
AINUTEP: Silence, slave! Tell me, could I wear you, Inflamed Clitoris?
IC: I think not!
Enter LEDGER HAIR.
LH: Excuse me, do you have the Dark Knight?
Clerk: Name?
LH: Heath Hair.
Clerk: Ah, no. Nothing by that name.
LH: ***** ***** **** **!
Clerk: Wait, aren't you...dead?
LH: ***** **** *** ****** *! Asshole.
Clerk: You can die from those?
LH: Yes.
She dies. AINUTEP weeps and COCKROACH drinks her tears.
COCKROACH: Mmm...needs brown sugar.
IC: I can help you.
It humps the carcass of LEDGER HAIR. They both cum puss in unison. COCKROACH drinks the puss.
COCKROACH: Needs more white sugar.
AINUTEP: That's disgusting. A female blogwright would never spew that.
IC: If I keep going there'll be nothing left of her!
AINUTEP: Wait! Inflamed Clitoris, if you let me wear you, I will resurrect her and you may consume this white sugar and make her your servant.
IC: But I am not a penis!
AINUTEP: But you look like one.
IC: Fine, but you must bring her back bigger than ever!
AINUTEP: More Ledger than ever! If only she could have said her name was Ledger Hair, and not Heath Hair. Then none of this would have happened. (She winks.)
AINUTEP, INFLAMED CLITORIS leave with LEDGER HAIR in tow.
Clerk: Last call!
COCKROACH: Yeah. Give me 'Joe's Apartment'.
Clerk: Oh I love that movie! John Hughes is brilliant!
COCKROACH: Yeah...but 'Puss in Boots' is better.
Friday, 27 February 2009
Revelations of a life lived in (a) coordinated inability to write a single word.
I don't think it can be ignored. I don't think it can or should be ignored. It must be acknowledged.
Yes, it must be acknowledged that their is a rival to The Rival Blog of RLLS and it must be acknowledged.
.... And yet, why on earth would we not acknowledge a rival blog considering said rivals' puny pathetic insignificance! It does show, however, that already in the short time that the forefather (SLT) of our cause began this momentous and most sacred of blogs, and I, (GS) became its first disciple, already, we must battle against jealously and potential slander (which frankly could constitute as bullying)
This is until of course you let your eyes peruse the existing rival... and then your sides hurt from the monumental sidesplitting laughter that courses through your body as the so-called-rival has not even managed a sentence. Hasn't written a. Single. Word. A whole day on. Whilst this blog approaches double figures after just three days (which is paramount to a child taking it's first steps after a mere month of life) not even a single solitary letter adorns their page. They couldn't even muster the intelligence or wit to come up with their own title - instead having to rip off ours in a virtual cut and paste exercise (you will be hearing from our lawyers)
So it is with this that i encourage the disciples and wide readership of this blog to, please, go and look at the rival Rival Blog. Look and join in with my hysterical laughter till your shirt is wet with your own tears. Cackle at what is less a rival and more an afterthought.
Generic Shithead
(All the above was true as of 16.44 pm 27th Feb 2009, looking at a PC screen in the Ruv')
Yes, it must be acknowledged that their is a rival to The Rival Blog of RLLS and it must be acknowledged.
.... And yet, why on earth would we not acknowledge a rival blog considering said rivals' puny pathetic insignificance! It does show, however, that already in the short time that the forefather (SLT) of our cause began this momentous and most sacred of blogs, and I, (GS) became its first disciple, already, we must battle against jealously and potential slander (which frankly could constitute as bullying)
This is until of course you let your eyes peruse the existing rival... and then your sides hurt from the monumental sidesplitting laughter that courses through your body as the so-called-rival has not even managed a sentence. Hasn't written a. Single. Word. A whole day on. Whilst this blog approaches double figures after just three days (which is paramount to a child taking it's first steps after a mere month of life) not even a single solitary letter adorns their page. They couldn't even muster the intelligence or wit to come up with their own title - instead having to rip off ours in a virtual cut and paste exercise (you will be hearing from our lawyers)
So it is with this that i encourage the disciples and wide readership of this blog to, please, go and look at the rival Rival Blog. Look and join in with my hysterical laughter till your shirt is wet with your own tears. Cackle at what is less a rival and more an afterthought.
Generic Shithead
(All the above was true as of 16.44 pm 27th Feb 2009, looking at a PC screen in the Ruv')
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Sex and Royalism
Naturally, I agree with everything in the below blog from Style-less Tramp (especially in anything that derides our "friend" Petunia - have i mentioned before that this does not constitute as bullying?)
So, in response... What i, Generic Shithead, have done today (as i feel i have fully imbued the previous blogs message and should write thus) :
I have had many conversations; naturally many of them very intelligent (with me being the most intelligent, natch) and full of countless beautiful swearing. I have pondered on many occasions about my life, this that and the other and...oh. I haven't had sex today. Definitely no sex... I have thought about it a few times (Style-less Tramp was very well attired today, and Petunia and Ledger Hair are not unattractive) but have not enacted any such acts. More key, is i am still not a monarch of any sort (and depressingly can't profess to have any plans to become such, either). This is simply unacceptable! Why on earth am i not King G S? This is especially intolerable considering my family heritage (some people don't have one... not naming names...Petunia) If any one is down with Royalism it is me and i think it is about time some small island or principality or such took me up as their king or god.
Thus concludes my day. Generic Shithead
So, in response... What i, Generic Shithead, have done today (as i feel i have fully imbued the previous blogs message and should write thus) :
I have had many conversations; naturally many of them very intelligent (with me being the most intelligent, natch) and full of countless beautiful swearing. I have pondered on many occasions about my life, this that and the other and...oh. I haven't had sex today. Definitely no sex... I have thought about it a few times (Style-less Tramp was very well attired today, and Petunia and Ledger Hair are not unattractive) but have not enacted any such acts. More key, is i am still not a monarch of any sort (and depressingly can't profess to have any plans to become such, either). This is simply unacceptable! Why on earth am i not King G S? This is especially intolerable considering my family heritage (some people don't have one... not naming names...Petunia) If any one is down with Royalism it is me and i think it is about time some small island or principality or such took me up as their king or god.
Thus concludes my day. Generic Shithead
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