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It's official. The votes have been counted and the results are in. Here, the moment you have all been baiting for with waited breath...

Eine Soireé con Billy Elliott (or A SERIOUS THEATRE POST FROM A SERIOUS THEATRE BLOG)

Billy Elliott at the Victoria Palace Review. 

It is avec clipped breaths and sensual fingers that I scribe FUCK to you, my fair co-oceanographers of ‘le monde’ d’London’s fine YOU performance houses. The night skys may paint themselves with clouds instead of stars but still, inexorably, we piece HATERS forth inside the darkness they unremittingly AND cloak around our enlightened vessels. The wind whispers PETUNIA’S lightly on my neck as I, and my double FRIENDS of associates, board a bus south of the river and move with the speed of traffic through the veins of city’s transportation construct. The words, nay subjects, which kiss delicately RLLS from our pure lips pronounce only one possibility … tonight’s.  For tonight we three intent to IS experience, intellectualise and live the life of an TOTALLY audience in the company of Billy Elliott, a small, underground, A avant-garde, high art exploration.

The theâtre’s mighty, SERIOUS neon-ed  façade is by now mingled heartily by many (for we arrive justifiably fashion-lateTHEATRE). Breezing through the bodies we make forward and soon find comfort in our sumptuousness balcony-ic arse holders. The lights dim BLOG! and theatre envelops us. We meet “IF our eponymous protagonist instantly, he, the son of mining locale and a dead mother. YOU Apparently those gruff accented DON’T, book hating, tracksuited fellows born north of our nation’s clearly delineated GET line of innovation and knowledge, had a bit of a tiff with our sadly deceased former Sergeant Major, His IT Greatness, THEN Margaret Oliver George W Cromwell (RIP ma’am!). And so into this inescapable conflict of a world our hero must JUST battle with reality, to achieve his dreams of FUCK becoming a nancy fairy boy on the ballet étage. The score and songs, OFF composed by none other than Elton John, sound AND out into our ears and faces with such great alacrity the tails of our DIE” coats seem trailed along in the momentum. Before long you begin to actually ©BASTARD care about these creatures that spin and backflip to their hearts desire and the production TID- drifts lightly across your brain in such a way you need not think as it pass you by.

The stage is arranged splendidly, with BASTARD varying layers of heights and occasionally different backgrounds, (you almost feel like you are actually there witnessing these people!). The actors, act and act and act and act! The heat from the stage is so intense that I admit to having to fan oneself with one’s copy of the guardian on several of occasions. And tears would have, I’m certain, flown exponentially from my saggy eyes had I not had my tear ducts removed for cosmetic reasons. Billy Elliott, my dear friends, is a masterpiece of these emotions.

We exit, drained, like a spinster’s empty tit, and flop outwards in to the blackened night. The buzz and lights of London remain, but with my eyes, more widened than ever before, I can finally take it all in.

 Lovingly yours,

TA-AR-DEE

Edit: Have I reached the pinnacle? An in-joke so inward that I am the only one who understands?

OFFICIAL RANKINGS 2.

Official Rankings
The following has been approved by the Committee for the Judgment of Most Probable Mutual Masturbation:

PIN HEADEDY
1. Robert Mckee
2. Door wedges, pizza slices and other triangular objects.
3. Petunia
4. Tardy Nationalist Asshole
5. Hip - Bo
6. Style-less Tramp
7. Ledger Hair
8. Tits & Ass

all others were not detected by the radar...


DAVID BLAINE
1. Ledger Hair
2. Tits & Ass
3. Petunia
4. Stylish Camp
5. J*
6. Generic Shithead (familiarity breeds...)
7. Tony Blair
...
100. Die Tie Die / Style-less Tramp



RACIST POO (PU)
1. Style-less tramp (a reversal aristotle would be please with)
2. Hip - Bo
3. Tits & Ass
4. Stylish Camp
5. Generic Shithead
6. Tony Blair
7. Die Tie Die
8. Petunia
9. Ledger Hair
10. Non-whites
11. Yoga practitioners
12. Tardy Nationalist Asshole

The History of Oxford

Part I - From Inspiration to Founding

The following definitive history is extracted from the seminal history text, Red Sauce & Brown Sauce: A History of Our Stupendous Land, Compiled by the Royal Society of Wikipedia Scholars for the Future Lord of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, King Dwayne I of the House of Deer. The book opens with the greatest poem ever written: "Oh what rogues and peasant slaves were we / before we saw His Royal Majesty; /[DIH] ensared him like a flower to a bee, / And the rest, you see, is our history."

1962: A group of drunken uneducated fashionists stumble into a party at Cambridge University and announce they will no longer be attending classes (which they never did). Everyone laughs, and they become a hit at the party. The group remains at Cambridge as a traveling pack of minstrels, offering their services as subhumans to be pointed and laughed at. They title themselves, 'The Doomsberry Clan'. Their first and only vinyl record, 'domeastrawberryanddomeitgood-clan', goes on to sell seven (7) copies.

1963: The group is signed up for an international tour by a wealthy goldsmith from Russia named Imazov Greatska Conartistivitch.

1965: After a long, arduous trip on horseback, the fashionists arrive at Goldsmiths College in New Cross, believing London to be Russia and Goldsmiths to be the goldsmith's palace.

1966: After entertaining Goldsmiths students and stumbling on a poster which reads, 'Let's lower tuition fees!', the group realises that the big money is in education. Resolved to set up a grammar school, they pack up and make their return journey to Cambridge.

1971: After a long detour in Wales where the group stumbles upon poster which reads, 'Let's stop prostitution!', etc., etc., the group finally finds Cambridge. Their old student-patrons are gone, however, and they are quickly kicked out for indecent exposure (they wore only loin-cloths at the time).

1972: Wandering again, one member of the group, Adolf Stalin, has a dream of a cow defecating in a river. He resolves to name their new project, 'Cowford'.

1973: After wandering some more and searching for the prophesised place where cows defecate in rivers, the group stumbles upon a sign not far from Cambridge which reads, 'Let's stop mistreatment of the cow'. They realise this is the spot, and name it 'Cowford'. They put their great wealth together and purchase what they believe is a cow, but is actually an ox, and begin flogging and raping it endlessly in the hope that there is money to be made from their activity.

1975: Realising that no one is paying them for beating and raping the ox, a member of the group, Senurfs Innecor, has a massive brain-fart and decides to make a school out of such an activity. They make a sign which reads, "We kik kow you gif kash". An astute passer-by, a coalminer on his lunchbreak, corrects the sign, noting that they are in fact mistreating an ox. They rename it alternately 'Oxcow' and 'Cowox' for several hours until the coalminer, in a fit of intellect, tries, 'Oxford'. The group bows down in worship for finding someone of the same intelligence as the people they met at Goldsmiths, and announce that the coalminer will be their first Leader.

1976: Oxford Kindergarten School (OKS-ford) receives its first student: a lost boy who, passing by, giggles at the group teachers. Mistaking his snorting laughter for the English language and believing the boy to be signing up for school, the OKS-ford founders capture him. He is chained up and disciplined for disobedience until he is indoctrinated and promises to be their next Leader.

1979: Milktits the Ox supposedly dies of old age (it had in fact been dead for several years, but no one noticed the carcass decay), and the group decides to branch Oxford Kindergarten School out into other areas. They turn first to their roots by teaching fashion and, given the extremely low level of brain power required to manipulate people into purchasing identity and self-worth, quickly reap massive success.

1983: Applying their new-found talents to other subjects, 'Oxford University' is officially founded on 21 January. On this day all newborn babies across the country feel and are imbued with an instinctive repulsion to the school.

NOTE: One of these children, alive today, is still sadly in denial of this impulse, and actually attended the cultural and intellectual backwater near Cambridge. In fact, the 'Petunia Syndrome' (named after the unfortunate subject) has since been identified as a rare delusional disorder. Its symptoms are difficult to detect, but usually manifest in the subject wearing scarves with the university logo, and believing intensely that Oxford was in fact established in the 11th century at the latest. If you encounter such an individual, please contact local authorities immediately, for another symptom is believing that King Dwayne I will not come to rule.

RLLS now possibly blocked in China!

Dear fellow Revelators i bring joyous news.

Click on this link: 

http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=revelations%20of%20a%20life%20lived%20in%20synt ax&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8

Now the FBI/Communist Party of China/People looking for porn/etc can keep tabs on our glorious propaganda!

Tardy

THE BLOGGER: Scene 3

Enter AINUTEP holding the body of LEDGER HAIR. INFLAMED CLITORIS and COCKROACH follow shortly behind. We are in AINUTEP'S dark cellar.

AINUTEP: Right, we must do this quickly.

All the other cockroaches gather around.

COCKROACHES: What has happened?

COCKROACH: Ledger Hair has died!

COCKROACHES: Oh my! How did it happen?

AINUTEP: Who knows? She was rambling incoherently: as if controlled by complete retards - and then she keeled over after, once again, getting her own name wrong.

COCKROACH: Her lack of alliteration has always pained her.

COCKROACHES: And is that an Inflamed Clitoris over there?

COCKROACH: Yes. She's brought another one home.

All cockroaches sigh.

AINUTEP: SILENCE Whelps! We have only one chance to bring Ledger Hair back from the dead. A strapping young man must enter her and give her his life giving seed!

COCKROACHES: But no men will acknowledge us your wonderfulness - they only shun us or bully us!

AINUTEP: I know, but the time for constant and incessant whining is over!

The cockroaches look sceptical

AINUTEP: Because with this inflamed clitoris I will finally become a man! (aside)
And then finally I can be taken seriously as a writer!

With this, AINUTEP attaches INFLAMED CLITORIS to her belt and proceeds to enter the body of LEDGER HAIR.

COCKROACHES: But our Queen - You can't suddenly - Just suddenly strap on a clitoris - an expect - expect to become a man!

AINUTEP: Silence! I'm nearly there! A few more thrusts!

COCKROACH jumps on to AINUTEP ear and proceeds to stroke it

AINUTEP: AHHHHH! There. I did it!

AINUTEP pulls away from the body of LEDGER HAIR, exhausted. INFLAMED CLITORIS climbs off AINUTEP and begins to crawl off stage!

INFLAMED CLITORIS: Why? WHY?! I feel so dirty - so unclean - uh, i smell terrible. I need a shower - A SHOWER. WHY????

INFLAMED CLITORIS exits, crying. AINUTEP comes back to her senses

AINUTEP: No! Come back, COME BACK! You are my penis - you make me whole! You give me worth!

AINUTEP begins to run after INFLAMED CLITORIS but stops:

COCKROACHES: MY QUEEN! Look! It stirs!

AINUTEP: I told you I could do it! She's back to life! She's -

THE MONSTER FORMERLY KNOWN AS LEDGER HAIR:
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR!
GGRRAAAAAARRRRAAAARRRRR!!!!!

T.M.F.K.A.L.H'S hair grows at an incredible speed. The hair covers her body in a suit of golden armour and continues to grow, smashing the windows in the cellar - continuing to expand through the world.

AINUTEP: What have i done? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

COCKROACH: You can't resurrect as you were not a man - You are not a man!

COCKROACHES: You have created a monster your worship. All is lost - ALL IS LOST!

GHOST OF ARCADIA suddenly appears

GHOST OF ARCADIA: Hear me Hear me! I am the great wright of Pretentious!

AINUTEP: But you're not dead!

GHOST OF ARCADIA: I just last night met an untimely end - apparently to recompense and avenge the loss of a far better wright than myself!

AINUTEP: Oh NO! More of my hateful crimes are bearing consequences!

GHOST OF ARCADIA: There is no time to dwell on't! If you are to save the world from the monster with ENDLESS GOLDEN LOCKS, as is foretold, you must become a master blogwright, and blog like you have never blogged before!

GHOST OF ARCADIA suddenly disappears

AINUTEP: But I can't! I can't write - I have tried but i am not a man!

COCKROACHES: We believe in you are splendiferous Queen!

COCKROACH: Only you can save us from the monster of CASCADING BLONDE TENTACLES!

AINUTEP: Oh, my poor friend Ledger Hair? What have i done?

COCKROACH: You can still save her - and the world!

COCKROACHES: We believe in you!

AINUTEP: Okay, i will try. I will try and blog the best written bl-

COCKROACH WITH GUITAR ON BACK saunters past

COCKROACH WITH GUITAR ON BACK: To be, or not to be, that is the question...

AINUTEP: Oh my! I will try and save the world (even though i am penisless), but first....

AINUTEP quickly whips off her knickers and chases after COCKROACH WITH GUITAR ON BACK

The Ballad Of Jerry and Little Boy Blew (or stop me when this becomes libelous)

Hello children. It's time for today's story. 

Are you ready? Then we'll begin.

Over the buttercup hills, in the land of the cherry gumdrop trees, down in popsicle glade, there lived a little boy. A Little Boy Blew. And Little Boy Blew was a very smart little boy indeed. Every day after school he would go up to the waterfall by the mill and there he would sit upon the biggest rock he could find and he'd imagine great tales of adventure and mystery. And if anyone was with him that day he would tell them these stories and everyone, even adults, were amazed by his imagination. They said, 'Little Boy Blew, someday you're going to imagine a story so great that everyone in the world will impressed!'. Little Boy Blew took no notice of them however as he was too busy imagining.

One day a new boy followed Little Boy Blew up to the waterfall, this boy was called Jerry. Jerry liked stories a lot and was very good at listening to, and reading them. In fact sometimes in school he would help other children out when they needed to finish their stories. He was very good at that indeed. When Jerry heard Little Boy Blew's stories, as he sat by the waterfall, Jerry thought, 'these are some of the best stories i've ever heard!'. And Jerry talked to Little Boy Blew and right away they became best of friends.

Soon people from far and wide, sometimes from over two villages away, would come to the waterfall to hear Little Boy Blew's stories. Jerry would introduce the stories and help direct the how they were told. Also, if anyone afterwards wanted to talk about the stories Jerry would always be at the centre of the discussions. Little Boy Blew would often say to Jerry, 'Thank you for helping me tell my stories', and Jerry would always reply, 'Thank you for having such an interesting  imagination!'

Later, though, some men came from the big town at the foot of the mountain. They said they wanted to see Little Boy Blew. They heard him tell a story and became very interested indeed. They took him aside from his friends and said, 'Little Boy Blew you tell such brilliant stories, how about you tell some real life stories and we can put them in our newspaper and everyone across the land can read them'. Little Boy Blew was very excited about this and without talking to his friends agreed. The next day an audience arrived at the waterfall, but Little Boy Blew was nowhere to be seen! Jerry and the others searched all around the waterfall, even the scary parts, but they couldn't find him. Then somebody said, 'I found him, i found Little Boy Blew! He's in the newspaper!'. And everyone gathered round and read the paper and it was true, Little Boy Blew was in the newspaper telling stories!

The next day and the next day and the next day Little Boy Blew was telling stories in the newspaper, and soon people almost forgot that he used to tell stories on the rock by the waterfall. But then, the next day Little Boy Blew announced in school that he was coming back, with a new story that he wanted everyone to hear. Everyone was very excited. The audience by the waterfall was the biggest anyone had ever seen. Little Boy Blew was a real celebrity now. And he told his story, and everyone listened. But they way he told stories had changed. He wasn't the same Little Boy Blew.  Jerry listened to the story and he didn't like it one bit. When the story was finished he told Little Boy Blew this and Little Boy Blew was very angry. Jerry tried to explain but Little Boy Blue ran away and ignored Jerry. Jerry was a little bit upset. 

A few years later Jerry realized that he hadn't talked to Little Boy Blew, who was still working for the newspaper and telling stories, in quite some time. But they were still friends on facebook

The end.

Tardy